She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
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