if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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