also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can't turn off my feet"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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