I'm pants shitting drunk right now
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
