I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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