he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
