dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
