So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
