dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
