She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
