I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
