he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
