he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
