I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
