What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
