Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
