Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
