I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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