Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
