I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
