Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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