i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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