I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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