Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
