Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
