Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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