I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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