there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
