I'm going to jail i love you
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
