I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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