I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
