where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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