Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
