he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
