I'm lost and stupid without you.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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