Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
