nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I need a burrito and a hug.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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