finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
