Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
