So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
