last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
