I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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