I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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