Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
