So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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