I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
