I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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