I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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