just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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