My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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