i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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