dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
