my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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