I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
