Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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